Over my lifetime I’ve seen people who adore Valentine’s day and see it as an absolute must-do opportunity for romance and those who don’t vibe with it because it’s a date that’s ‘telling’ them when to do things and is therefore meaningless. I’ve also seen it despised as corporate money making capitalist BS.
No matter where you are in these, there’s also another option, and that is an opportunity for you to create a tradition that supports the health of your relationship without having to do anything corny nor buy anything if you don’t want to.
The history of Valentine’s day dates back many centuries before Hallmark capitalised on it with their cards in 1913. Beginning possibly as early as 270ce, there was a tradition to honour and celebrate people named Valentine who had done great works. Around the 14th century it began to be associated with love. The internet records the first valentine was sent in 1477 – a love letter.
Regardless of the evolution of the day and how you or your partner/s have traditionally experienced it, you can use valentine’s day to the advantage of your relationship by focusing on some simple romantic ideas (remembering that romance isn’t all chocolate hearts and flowers) and making time for connection.
Valentine’s day can benefit your relationship when you choose to use it an opportunity to create connection.
We know that ‘turning towards’ i.e. making time for and responding to our partners reinforces the health of the relationship, to the extent that this is an excellent predictor of whether relationships will last, so using this strategy of making time for each other through meaningful connection means you’ve got nothing to lose and lots of potential.
Here’s 5 ideas for how you can make the most of valentine’s day without engaging in capitalism:
- Create a new relationship ritual. Rituals are meaningful behaviours you repeat over time. A ritual might be agreeing to a Friday night date night in (at home is great, it doesn’t have to be out), blocking out time for a weekly five minute check-in, exercising together, share 5 things you appreciate about each other, set aside some regular touch to give each other, like a weekly or fortnightly massage, or agree on some daily device-free time you can share together.
- Do a relationship check-in. This is where you would take stock of what you love about your relationship and the areas you’d like to see some changes made. Be careful when communicating the latter to use ‘I’ statements and focus on solutions so this doesn’t dissolve into finger-pointing. Ensure you finish on the good things such as sharing 5 things you appreciate about each other.
- Connect with each other in a new way. This could be something like the 6-second kiss, eye-gazing, having a bath together, starting a yoga practice (at home or at a studio), making a meal together and talking through it, a date night in, holding hands, setting yourself a fun ‘challenge’ like some kind of connection for the next 5 days. Leave a love note for the other person to find, or run them a bath. This is romance in action.
- Share the memory of when you first got together. Research shows that couples who talk fondly about their relationship story aka how they got together are more likely to stay together. So sit down and share how it all started, even if you’ve heard it a thousand times before. Perhaps there’ll be something new you’ve never heard before.
- Book a future date night. Choose something you want to do, find a date and book it. Now you’ve got a date night scheduled and something to look forward to.
Above all, have fun. Don’t overthink it. Let it be something that would be meaningful to each of you while making it doable.